I'm a self defeatist & I got a raise today

When I was in high school, my anatomy teacher once said to me, in front of the entire class - "you're a self-defeatist". 

My classmate promptly turned around and said "I think she called you a fetus." That became the running joke for the remainder of the year, and a few years after that. 

But I always remained a self-defeatist. And after a while it stopped being so funny.  

Why I'm a self-defeatist...

I doubt in myself. I doubt myself a lot - I often don't think I have what it takes, I tell myself that I "don't know" a lot of the times. And when I try to figure things out, I give up much earlier than I should. I just think that I "can't do it." 

I basically talk myself out of my own success. 

And that's what I almost did this time. 

Over the past 2-3 weeks, I've been having serious doubts as to whether I even want to practice law. To the point where I've been having some pretty dark thoughts. I've thought that I'm actually a failure, and a number of events in the past week have proven that and really shaken my confidence. 

I decided that this must mean that I'm just not cut out to be a lawyer. And so I wanted to tell my boss that I just wanted to give up and focus more on business development. Basically - I wanted to opt out. Give up. Focus on something that I was "good at." 

This would have meant talking to my boss and telling him that I wanted to change my role substantially. This would have meant that we would need to go back to the drawing board to figure out my salary, career track, etc. etc. etc. Basically a whole mess of confusion.  

Yesterday, however, I had a conversation with two men that are very close to me - both of which told me that I needed to keep on going. 

Basically - they made it clear that I was facing a challenge, and that this was just something that I had to overcome. There were no shortcuts around it. 

And so... I finally made a decision. 

It's probably the first time in a long time that I make a decision that I stick with. 

And so when my boss came back from a conference, he asked me what I wanted to do. 

And I told him that I wanted to "man up" and face the challenge head-on. That I wanted to continue practicing law. 

And then a miraculous thing happened. 

I got a raise

My boss called me into his office to discuss a few things, and one of them was a raise. 

And a substantial raise at that. 

And he thanked me for my hard work. 

He told me that he appreciated the hours I had been putting in. 

He told me that I had what it takes, and that all my colleagues agreed that I had what it takes. 

And he told me that he was giving me a raise. 

I sat there sort of motionless, but incredibly ecstatic. 

I got a raise and was appreciated for what I a contributing. It was pretty spectacular. 

Oh, and I started personal training today

I think, to celebrate - I will enroll in personal training. I think he'll be really good - and that we'll get along with each other pretty well. We basically have the same philosophy. And I need to improve my posture and core strength for sure. 

He did some pretty good hip releases - basically getting my hips to open up so that I could use my thigh muscles more. And he also released my neck so that my shoulders could roll back and my posture could improve. This is also supposed to decrease my neck pains. 

All in all, a pretty exciting day!